SEASONS

SEASONS

Yesterday was my 44th birthday and I cried myself to sleep.

I have lived in the same 5-mile radius for 43 of my 44 years. This last year we moved to a beautiful 45-acre wildlife management ranch 50 miles away from that radius. Talk about change for this hometown girl. However, since I love nature and have always dreamed of moving to the country, I was willing to live outside my circle.

This move would have been all joy to me if it hadn't happened when it did. Let me back up and tell you about what’s been going on over the last year or so. About a year ago, around the time we bought the land, my first born graduated from high school and moved 3 hours away. Not far, but not close.

SUMMER

Not one month after he graduated, my Nana died. To say she was involved in my life is not saying enough. Then the fall came and my next two kiddos started their senior year. All you Senior mom’s, hang in there! Since it was their senior year, we decided not to move to the new place until they graduated. Their lives are a whirlwind of parties and social gatherings. So, while I took care of making sure we had a fun senior year, my husband spent half the week making sure the new house was up to my specs. We were both running full speed just on separate tracks.

FALL

The fall of that year, my mom took a turn for the worse (she has had health issues for years). She became almost completely paralyzed from neck degeneration. My father, siblings, and I had to jump in and help her stand, move and even eat! In that time period, it appeared that she died twice. I know that sounds weird, but it was like having false labor. In fact, we believe in one of those times she did die and my brother yelled at her and she came to. It was a scary season.

WINTER

We found a surgeon that felt like he could help mom. He said her spinal cord was being pinched off by the degeneration. Not to bore you with all the medical details, she had the surgery and then went into a long rehab. By Thanksgiving she was home! She improved every day, but on April 3, I lost my mom. She passed away due to chronic pain and neuropathy. I am so grateful for the extra months we had.

SPRING

In this same time frame, the place where I was working needed to downsize. It was also a very difficult season. My friends were going to be losing their jobs and with it the dreams they had built. As a person with a lot of empathy, watching people go through this kind of transition is super difficult. I had decided it was also time for me to leave the organization. I was about to have two kids graduate and then move to a new home. I needed summer to get settled before starting a new job. I needed summer to establish my new home as a the place for my family. I needed summer to bring joy!

SUMMER

Summer came. The two graduated, my first born came home, and my baby prepared for a nice break before starting a new school. THings should have settled down and I should have been able to take a breath. Sadly that's not what happened. NOthing tragic...just more change. My two kiddos didn't want to be outside the 5-mile radius. They wanted to be in town with friends and family. So the only time they came home was to do laundry. I completely understood their wanting to be in town, but I wasn't ready for them to leave. I had already lost so much. My son also took an internship that had him gone 12 hours a day/5 days a week. He’s an introvert so when he was home, he lived most evenings escaping into his room or somewhere on the ranch. I found myself feeling very alone. I still had my family but nothing was the same.

Now it’s the end of the summer. My oldest 3 have moved out and my youngest is transitioning to a new school this week. In fact things should be looking up. Some of my friends even drove out to celebrate me for my birthday! So why did I cry myself to sleep?

I lost my Nana
I lost my momma
I left my job that I loved
My kids left home
I live outside the 5-mile radius
My baby has to start all over with friendships at school
I have to start over with friendships at school (school moms are necessary!)
I have a new job coming

I cried because I am tired. I cried because I miss the way it was. I cried because I needed God to show up in a big way. For so many of these changes I wanted Him to step in and do it my way and He did not. I cried because I am broken.

Then, in the middle of my cry I thought of the cardinals I have been watching all summer. In the spring we had 3 baby cardinals born. As they began to fly, the daddy cardinal would hover and make sure they were safe. They would flit and fly and honestly just play! They weren't bright red. Their feathers were still young and gray. It was super fun to watch. I noticed that the bigger they got the less I would see of the parent cardinals. Also, their pretty red feathers began to grow. Yesterday, when I watched them, there was no parent cardinal and they were almost completely red! I thought to myself, ”They are finally grown and ready.”

So as I cried, and visualized the cardinals, the Lord began to speak. My oldest 3 are grown and ready. I have done my part. They still have needs, but it is not completely up to me anymore. Their feathers are red and not gray. HE spoke to my momma heart. It was soothing and I quickly fell asleep.

Today I write this. Primarily because i need to get it out, but also because I am not alone in this life. We all live with joy and disappointment. Seasons come. They are supposed to. Just look for Him in the seasons and allow Him to mend your heart. My heart has a lot of mending left, but I know He will mend it.